Humor "Cop Style"
Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement
1) New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains.
2) Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of
your shift.
3) The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department
negotiates for a salary increase.
4) You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over
by the meanest Judge in town.
5) Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
6) Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the Chief.
7) Bullet proof vests might be.
8) Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot
pursuit.
9) You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.
10) You will receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first
day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation.
11) If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.
12) The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform
is the one time the chief comes to roll call.
13) You will always get a "Hot" call at the same moment you
realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail.
14) Out of 10 traffic stops, the violator you gave a warning to instead
of a cite is the one who file a personnel complaint against you.
15) Just when you get a nice brand new squad car, the first offender you
pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car.
Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Wimp!
Come on write the ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
1) She refers to you as "our
mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy"
and "pepper-spray test subject."
5) She sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) She always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) She makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look
for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery,
and a broken air conditioner.
9) She lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put
you on a plane to Siberia.
10) She doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
You have the bladder capacity of five people
Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change
You think it is perfectly normal to discuss gore over a gourmet meal
You find humor in other people's stupidity
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance
You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here"
You believe that chocolate is a food group
You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably
You believe the dispatcher is possessed
You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form
You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium saltlick
You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions
You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone
You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC
You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car
Recently reported in the
Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions
actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain
cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
* "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
* "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
* "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
* "Were you alone or by yourself?"
* "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
* "Did he kill you?"
* "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
* "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
* "How many times have you committed suicide?"
* Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
* Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
* Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
* Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A:"I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
* Q:"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q:"And by who's death was it terminated?"
* Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
* Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
* Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
* Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."
* Q:"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q:"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A:"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
* Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
* Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
* Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A : "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q:"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Bushnell Police Department
"Committed to the Quality of Life"
